If yes means yes then no means no

by Hey Karen

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1.
2.
The smell of perfume hits my face from the door As I try to maintain myself My voice is trembling as I walk down the hall And wait to be put on one of your shelves It's raining outside so my hair is all wet But you nod and say that's OK Since we have kissed it's been exactly one week And I don't want to stop feeling this way I feel so sorry for how this has begun I'll shut my mouth and stop making sense I'll take my clothes off and put my best smile up For you hate it if I'm sad when we dance You feel the slightest shaking in my wrist But please find comfort in this and don't fret And even though I never asked for none of your help You give me more than I deserve to get Nothing else matters when you're breathing with me As the sound gets loud and clear I feel so high, I'm burning out like a star Melting the last of my veneer Why does it feel this way when I fall apart Shouldn't this come with at least a sting? Maybe because I have forever been numb Now I still cannot feel the proper thing I feel so sorry for how this has begun I'll shut my mouth and stop making sense I'll take my clothes off and put my best smile up For you hate it when I'm sad when we dance
3.
05:16
He would come unannounced And unheard at that time He would learn to deny He would be a waste of time He was twelve, he went to school Seemingly so uncool They would laugh, he would cry He saw none sense in trying He had a friend, his name was Paul He would be the one to teach him all About what was unspeakable About what he would protect with a wall That he would build around his heart But then the bricks would start to fall apart They would go out and make some noise Paul learned him how to kiss like grown up boys They wouldn't know, they couldn't tell He was so scared of dying and of hell He would stay put until the night When they could talk and when there was no fright But then his friend would go away He would be sad about it til this day But his warm light shines in the dark Who knows how much it takes to make a spark? So he would come unannounced He would break the silence that surrounds his way And that's ok He felt the sudden urge to scream He wanted everyone to know what does he feel And that he's real There was fear, there always is But there is no other choice than to be clear Not to disappear We will come unannounced We will scream our names from the top of our lungs Until there's none We will stop at no sign As we can't afford to lose what's yours and what's mine Not this time Colors will disappear We will light up in gradients to shine on everything near What we hold dear
4.
Water boiling in city rivers Grass whispers in faint shimmers Why is the ocean calling me to come home? Wind kisses my lips softly Rain covers my head gently Why am I so confused and so alone? Dead leaves, empty fists Echoing what I miss My heart is racing, I'm ready to explode Surrounded by the voices Reminding me of my choices I'll gladly take my shoes off And step into the void
5.
Shall we start? What was the last thing that you said? I couldn't hear you through this sound Repeat your mistakes after me I know a way to dumb us down There's nothing to be wasted When times are complicated I think I'll learn to fake it Until I can just make it No way I'll give up sorrow It's not something you borrow No matter how high or low Not thinking 'bout tomorrow Collecting all the pieces Way harder than you think it is When you don't know what's missing When nobody believes it It's better if I crumble Inside this plastic jungle Addicted to the fumble When all my words are mumbled Hey Did you forget about me? I'm occupying the same space Hey Am I distracting you? Is there enough air for both of us? The walls are closing in on me But are you pleased with where we are? I brought you all my things to play with Watching you get high up real far Am I too much to handle now? Are my moods making you uncomfortable? Should I shut up and pretend I'm alright So you could like me even more? Hey Did you forget about me? I'm occupying the same space Hey Am I distracting you? Is there enough air for both of us?
6.
02:02
7.
Remember when we used to laugh at the girls That thought that they run the world How they deserved our scold I guess that now we are no better Than all attention whores And filthy people of sorts This is how our brains work I am connected to this network Of those meaningless words Where I'll have to be heard Or else I'll become a blur Nothing's ever Good enough But I'll have to say I'm ok Or else I'll ruin your day (In this mess that I've created Craving to be validated I will send you my dick pic Just to keep you agitated There's something deep inside of me That I cannot let go set free I cannot waste any more space I cannot let you have a taste) It's funny how I feel I tasted your spit Yet in the physical world You are no more than a click Empiricism's just a word And it means nothing to me Yet I need to feel your touch To make me complete I keep on Needing You keep on Delivering Just giving And receving We are locked In blind transmitting When I will see your face Will it feel the same way Will it satisfy me Enough to put my gun away
8.
9.
(The boys and the girls with the beautiful hair) Watching Your face from an empty room It's exciting I don't know what else I can do Forgetting Where the lines should've crossed It matters Only to those who lost I never existed in your eyes You act like it's a big surprise This baggage still belongs to me The nametag fits and so does the key My thoughts parachuting, my sky is gray Outside my windows it's another day And I can't help but look and stare At the boys and the girls with the beautiful hair The hours pass and I'm still here While you are now nowhere near I wish that you could just say my name The union makes our souls combined But I can't save you though I've tried We are filled to brim with our pain I'm your savior But only inside my head I'm the only one Who took apart the skin you shed I wish I was so special to you I need to be real but I'm still see-through I'm not your number one But look how close have I become The hours pass and I'm still here While you are now nowhere near I wish that you could just say my name The union makes our souls combined But I can't save you though I've tried We are filled to brim with our pain I am so fucked up My hair turned gray, my eyes went blind Your voice is missing When you're not here I lose my mind My mind So this is it This is my personal hell My soul is broken Oh, way beyond repair Yes This poison That you spit inside my mouth The sweetness of it That now I cannot live without Without This union Was supposed to make me strong But I'm falling apart And everything is wrong (The boys and the girls with the beautiful hair)
10.
11.
When I was eight I learned what déjà vu is I think I lived it all the time ever since Why do I feel like we have met before Where do I begin I'm simply trying to be present In my own skin Comparing words to other words It's not as fun as it seems But have you ever heard me Describing my bad dreams We might both know this is unhealthy But that's how it goes How will it end I think we know Yeah I know I'm going home alone There's no use to wait by the phone I'm not one to say "I told you so" But some people need just to let go Falling in love is so pointless, it seems Why would I want to see myself so hurt And on my knees It's dumb how I fail to control my instincts I am a man Why do I feel like I've just said that As loud as I can Correction! May we proceed and leave that alone You must've thought my speech is tangled Or that I'm really stoned But to be honest I'm just nervous as fuck This is my train I'm sorry for this wish me all of good luck Maybe now's the time to clean this mess But I keep on thinking no means yes (Stay still Let go Keep calm Stay close I won't Stop you I won't Hurt you) Look at the time It's almost too late I should get going I guess this is my fate Let me leave you with this Promise I'm sure to keep Even if I won't make you mine I'll be here until you fall asleep And I know I'm going home alone There's no use of waiting by the phone I need to learn how to let go I need to learn that no means no

about

why does it feel this way when I fall apart?

equipment used: Logic Pro X running on Apple Macbook, Korg synthesizer, Akai and Korg controllers, Shure microphones, M-Audio and Creative audio interfaces.

credits

released April 1, 2017

all songs written, performed, mixed, and produced by Hey Karen

recorded in stereo at A1 from april 2015 to february 2017

photography by Jan Sałajczyk
cover design by Hey Karen

2017 © Numbers/Letters. NUM005

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about

Hey Karen Eindhoven, Netherlands

Hey Karen is an alias for Bartek Urban, who creates electronica, synthpop, and industrial - the stuff that both melts your heart and your brain.
Home recordings and lo-fi aesthetic aren't necessarily a bad thing, since he believes the feeling is more important. A full scope of that feeling can be seen in his audiovisual live shows, which he regularly performs since 2011.
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