If yes means yes then no means no

by Hey Karen

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why does it feel this way when I fall apart?

Hani would like to thank:
- all of his friends and family for support or lack thereof (sic)
- the brothers Olejnik for absolutely everything
- Lila & Łukasz for putting up with me
- Nick for giving me kindness I never knew I deserved
- Piotr & Jan for helping me with the sound and the look
- everyone included in making of this album
- Trent Reznor, Thomas Bangalter, Sam Eastgate, Wesley Eisold, Mica Levi, Thom Yorke, Jonathan Bates and Joseph Mount

equipment used: Logic Pro X running on Apple Macbook, Korg synthesizer, Akai and Korg controllers, Shure microphones, M-Audio and Creative audio interfaces.


released April 1, 2017

all songs written, performed, mixed, and produced by Hani

recorded in stereo at Paris Garage Warsaw from april 2015 to february 2017

mastered by Piotr Radzio
photography by Jan Sałajczyk
cover design by Hani

2017 © Numbers/Letters. NUM005


all rights reserved



Hey Karen Eindhoven, Netherlands

Hey Karen is an alias for Bartek Urban, who creates electronica, synthpop, and industrial - the stuff that both melts your heart and your brain.
Home recordings and lo-fi aesthetic aren't necessarily a bad thing, since he believes the feeling is more important. A full scope of that feeling can be seen in his audiovisual live shows, which he regularly performs since 2011.
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Track Name: That boy that dresses in white
The smell of perfume hits my face from the door
As I try to maintain myself
My voice is trembling as I walk down the hall
And wait to be put on one of your shelves
It's raining outside so my hair is all wet
But you nod and say that's OK
Since we have kissed it's been exactly one week
And I don't want to stop feeling this way

I feel so sorry for how this has begun
I'll shut my mouth and stop making sense
I'll take my clothes off and put my best smile up
For you hate it if I'm sad when we dance

You feel the slightest shaking in my wrist
But please find comfort in this and don't fret
And even though I never asked for none of your help
You give me more than I deserve to get
Nothing else matters when you're breathing with me
As the sound gets loud and clear
I feel so high, I'm burning out like a star
Melting the last of my veneer

Why does it feel this way when I fall apart
Shouldn't this come with at least a sting?
Maybe because I have forever been numb
Now I still cannot feel the proper thing
I feel so sorry for how this has begun
I'll shut my mouth and stop making sense
I'll take my clothes off and put my best smile up
For you hate it when I'm sad when we dance
Track Name: In gradients
He would come unannounced
And unheard at that time
He would learn to deny
He would be a waste of time
He was twelve, he went to school
Seemingly so uncool
They would laugh, he would cry
He saw none sense in trying

He had a friend, his name was Paul
He would be the one to teach him all
About what was unspeakable
About what he would protect with a wall
That he would build around his heart
But then the bricks would start to fall apart
They would go out and make some noise
Paul learned him how to kiss like grown up boys
They wouldn't know, they couldn't tell
He was so scared of dying and of hell
He would stay put until the night
When they could talk and when there was no fright
But then his friend would go away
He would be sad about it til this day
But his warm light shines in the dark
Who knows how much it takes to make a spark?

So he would come unannounced
He would break the silence that surrounds his way
And that's ok
He felt the sudden urge to scream
He wanted everyone to know what does he feel
And that he's real
There was fear, there always is
But there is no other choice than to be clear
Not to disappear
We will come unannounced
We will scream our names from the top of our lungs
Until there's none
We will stop at no sign
As we can't afford to lose what's yours and what's mine
Not this time
Colors will disappear
We will light up in gradients to shine on everything near
What we hold dear
Track Name: The day I lost myself
Water boiling in city rivers
Grass whispers in faint shimmers
Why is the ocean calling me to come home?

Wind kisses my lips softly
Rain covers my head gently
Why am I so confused and so alone?

Dead leaves, empty fists
Echoing what I miss
My heart is racing, I'm ready to explode

Surrounded by the voices
Reminding me of my choices
I'll gladly take my shoes off
And step into the void
Track Name: Is there enough air?
Shall we start?

What was the last thing that you said?
I couldn't hear you through this sound
Repeat your mistakes after me
I know a way to dumb us down

There's nothing to be wasted
When times are complicated
I think I'll learn to fake it
Until I can just make it
No way I'll give up sorrow
It's not something you borrow
No matter how high or low
Not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Collecting all the pieces
Way harder than you think it is
When you don't know what's missing
When nobody believes it
It's better if I crumble
Inside this plastic jungle
Addicted to the fumble
When all my words are mumbled

Did you forget about me?
I'm occupying the same space
Am I distracting you?
Is there enough air for both of us?

The walls are closing in on me
But are you pleased with where we are?
I brought you all my things to play with
Watching you get high up real far

Am I too much to handle now?
Are my moods making you uncomfortable?
Should I shut up and pretend I'm alright
So you could like me even more?

Did you forget about me?
I'm occupying the same space
Am I distracting you?
Is there enough air for both of us?
Track Name: Of yesteryear
Remember when we used to laugh at the girls
That thought that they run the world
How they deserved our scold

I guess that now we are no better
Than all attention whores
And filthy people of sorts
This is how our brains work

I am connected to this network
Of those meaningless words
Where I'll have to be heard
Or else I'll become a blur

Nothing's ever
Good enough
But I'll have to say I'm ok
Or else I'll ruin your day

(In this mess that I've created
Craving to be validated
I will send you my dick pic
Just to keep you agitated

There's something deep inside of me
That I cannot let go set free
I cannot waste any more space
I cannot let you have a taste)

It's funny how I feel I tasted your spit
Yet in the physical world
You are no more than a click

Empiricism's just a word
And it means nothing to me
Yet I need to feel your touch
To make me complete

I keep on
You keep on
Just giving
And receving
We are locked
In blind transmitting

When I will see your face
Will it feel the same way
Will it satisfy me
Enough to put my gun away
Track Name: Union of souls
(The boys and the girls with the beautiful hair)

Your face from an empty room
It's exciting
I don't know what else I can do
Where the lines should've crossed
It matters
Only to those who lost

I never existed in your eyes
You act like it's a big surprise
This baggage still belongs to me
The nametag fits and so does the key
My thoughts parachuting, my sky is gray
Outside my windows it's another day
And I can't help but look and stare
At the boys and the girls with the beautiful hair

The hours pass and I'm still here
While you are now nowhere near
I wish that you could just say my name
The union makes our souls combined
But I can't save you though I've tried
We are filled to brim with our pain

I'm your savior
But only inside my head
I'm the only one
Who took apart the skin you shed
I wish I was so special to you
I need to be real but I'm still see-through
I'm not your number one
But look how close have I become

The hours pass and I'm still here
While you are now nowhere near
I wish that you could just say my name
The union makes our souls combined
But I can't save you though I've tried
We are filled to brim with our pain

I am so fucked up
My hair turned gray, my eyes went blind
Your voice is missing
When you're not here I lose my mind
My mind
So this is it
This is my personal hell
My soul is broken
Oh, way beyond repair


This poison
That you spit inside my mouth
The sweetness of it
That now I cannot live without
This union
Was supposed to make me strong
But I'm falling apart
And everything is wrong

(The boys and the girls with the beautiful hair)
Track Name: Then no means no
When I was eight I learned what déjà vu is
I think I lived it all the time ever since
Why do I feel like we have met before
Where do I begin
I'm simply trying to be present
In my own skin

Comparing words to other words
It's not as fun as it seems
But have you ever heard me
Describing my bad dreams
We might both know this is unhealthy
But that's how it goes
How will it end
I think we know

Yeah I know I'm going home alone
There's no use to wait by the phone
I'm not one to say "I told you so"
But some people need just to let go

Falling in love is so pointless, it seems
Why would I want to see myself so hurt
And on my knees
It's dumb how I fail to control my instincts
I am a man
Why do I feel like I've just said that
As loud as I can

Correction! May we proceed and leave that alone
You must've thought my speech is tangled
Or that I'm really stoned
But to be honest I'm just nervous as fuck
This is my train I'm sorry for this wish me all of good luck

Maybe now's the time to clean this mess
But I keep on thinking no means yes

(Stay still
Let go
Keep calm
Stay close
I won't
Stop you
I won't
Hurt you)

Look at the time
It's almost too late
I should get going
I guess this is my fate

Let me leave you with this
Promise I'm sure to keep
Even if I won't make you mine
I'll be here until you fall asleep

And I know I'm going home alone
There's no use of waiting by the phone
I need to learn how to let go
I need to learn that no means no